Can i not drive my cunt home
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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