Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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