sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
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The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
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I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
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