To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
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He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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