It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
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What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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