Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
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I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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