Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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