Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
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Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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