Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
a search helicopter?!
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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