I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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