i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
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So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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