well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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