I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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