Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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