he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
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He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
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I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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