I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize