Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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