Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Couch. On fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize