i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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