I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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