It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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