dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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