i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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