I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
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He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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