Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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