I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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