Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
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My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
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Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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