I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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