WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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