Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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