hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize