I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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