my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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