Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
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I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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