My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
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I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
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Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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