I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize