please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He felt like a one man threesome
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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