I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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