apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
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We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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