My friends, they love my intelligence
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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