Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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