Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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