Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
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the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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