My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
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Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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