i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
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You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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