My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
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you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
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i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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