please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
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I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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