She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
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Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Please don't give away my fajitas
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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