I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize