I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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